Early Christmas Comes to James Street: Hamiltonians Outraged

Hamilton, ON: Officials describe the latest ploy to disturb the sidewalk traffic of James Street South as both cruel and abnormal. With summer coming to an end, many citizens were horrified last week to find a segment of the street outfitted like a scene from a theatrical Christmas movie.

Scene of the crime

“It’s a classic case involving some aspiring anarchist who just wants to provoke civil unrest,” says Carolyn Briggs, whose ordinary walk to the bank degraded into a harrowing trek through a festoon of fraudulent Christmas decor. “It’s even worse than Sears releasing its Holiday Wish Book in August – I have enough things to worry about right now than holiday shopping for my spoiled children.”

But for some it wasn’t the idea of Christmas that scared them the most; rather, it was the crafty patchwork of thick snow that lined the edges of sidewalks and crept up stairways. “The idea of snow in August is enough to put me in an early grave. I don’t like snow because it means winter and freezing temperatures… My father used to call it ‘brass monkey’ weather because it’s cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey!” laughs Mr. Deckle, an 82-year-old resident who still thinks his jokes are funny. “You gotta love those winter enthusiasts too, and the rare bunch that actually prefer it over summer. Why? Because they like to snowboard! I bet whoever made the mess on James Street is gearing up to break their legs on the slopes of Mount Tremblant this winter.”

Despite bitter feelings, many people are more concerned about figuring out who or what turned James Street into an early winter. Bess Heather, a local snoot from the Chateau Royale condominiums, claims she saw the entire thing: “It wasn’t just one person who did this, it was many. I saw them all show up in these big trucks and trailers and then unload all this equipment. Some of them blew fake snow all over the ground while others set up all those cutesy Christmas decorations,” she says with an annoying New ‘Joisey’ accent. “What’s worse is that some of them had these big movie cameras and were filming a couple people (who were obviously in on the whole thing) walk around in the snow. What they were filming them for, I don’t know, they probably wanted to put it on YouTube.”

But not all people on James Street are upset over the matter. One shop owner, who did not wish to disclose his name, has his own opinion on the incident: “Since Christmas came early to James Street, sales have been the best they’ve been all summer! God bless the Christmas spirit,” he says with a smile on his face, smelling like pumpkin spice and evergreen trees.


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